Frustrations of a Jedi or The Fragrance
by Lady Remus 1983
Summary: ObiWan and QuiGon are in love with each other and yet they cannot tell each other how they feel. Its adult themed but does not contain any explicit sex scenes escept for a scene of masturbation. COMPLETED


Title: Frustrations of a Jedi or The Fragrance

Author: ecco1983

Pairings: Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Q/X (implied)

Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are in love with each other- and yet they cannot tell each other how they feel. The story is split into six sections (not chapters). The first three sections are in the first person (with either Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon narrating). The fourth section is in the third person and involves both characters. The fifth section is a short section narrated by Qui-Gon and the final section is in the first person.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Homosexual activity and implied bisexuality

Disclaimer: The original characters come from the mind of George Lucas. I don't own them and I'm certainly not making any profit from this.

Archive: Sure, just let me know where so I can visit.

Review: Yes please.

Notes: I could go on forever with the notes for this little fic so I'm compiling them into my Authors Notes.

**Obi-Wan**

I'll never forget my first night with Qui-Gon. One of the reasons is that I had the toughest and more draining training session ever. The other Padawans I were training with that night seemed to have impossible levels of energy. Although I was the one of the best students, I found it difficult to keep it up with anyone I tackled that night. I found it impossible because well, after the training was over, they tended to indulge into some sexual experiments.

We were young- we experimented a lot. Although it wasn't completely encouraged, it wasn't discouraged either. As long as we were safe and no one got hurt, we were fine. However, I didn't do it anymore. I had the occasional teenage romance with both female and male Jedis and I experimented with my bisexuality (which I was comfortable with) but after a year, I felt somewhat empty, like there was something missing. I wanted something more than just kisses, cuddles, blowjobs and hand jobs. I felt there was something more to this but I could not figure out what that something was. I didn't realise what it was until one night when I was 17- the night I'm telling you about now.

Anyway, there I was, having a late training lesson with fellow Jedi students with our Jedi Masters observing. All I can say is I'm glad my Master, Qui-Gon wasn't there. He was in fact the only Jedi Master not present for he was discussing some important matters with the Jedi Council. I'm grateful for that. I'd hate to think what he would have thought if he had seen his student not doing as well as she should.

After a long and difficult training session, I went to the gardens. I used to do that a lot after I stopped experimenting with different Padawans. I would go to the gardens and meditate, hoping to find the answer to what I was looking for. Only on this night, I did not meditate. It was a beautiful sunset. I'll never forget it. The sky was golden and it made the gardens even more beautiful. I felt at peace with myself as if I knew what I had been searching for. In one brief moment, I could feel no emptiness in my heart and I felt I knew I was looking for. It might have been the beauty of the sunset or the simply tranquillity of the gardens but in that one brief moment, nothing else mattered.

Eventually, I left the gardens and went up to the quarters where I lived with Qui-Gon. I wondered if he had returned from seeing the Jedi Council. After all, it had been a while since I had finished my training session- surely he would have been back by now. When I entered our quarters, I did not see him at first and assumed he had gone to bed early. He was never one to be out enjoying the night life of Coruscant.

As I tiptoed past his room, I could hear him groaning and moaning my name. I immediately became worried if he was ill or not. I barged into his room and what I saw shocked me. There was my master, naked as the day he was born, a Jedi cloak on his chest, his hand wrapped around his erection. I don't know why but I just stared at him, moaning my name as he masturbated and well it turned me on. It seriously did. He masturbated for several minutes still not noticing I was there. It was only when he opened his eyes that he saw me and immediately wrapped himself around the Jedi Master cloak that was on his bed.

"Obi-Wan", he said, ashamed, "I….."

I don't know why but I stepped away from, feeling as ashamed as he sounded. I had seen a private moment and my first instinct was to get away from the room, away from him. My face, hot and probably red from shame, I ran out of the room. Hearing him call out my name, I moved quickly to my own room. I shut and locked the door and lain on my bed. I heard him knocking on my door calling my name. I blocked out the sounds of his voice and his banging as best as he could by covering my ears with my hands.

As the calling got louder, I shouted at him to go away and continued trying to block him out of my mind, watching the perfect sunset from not so long ago. The same sunset that had made everything complete, the sunset that had given me a false answer to my conflict. Surely my emptiness could not be filled by my own Master! And yet deep down, it seemed possible. After all, I did have feelings for Qui-Gon. It was common for Padawans to have crushes on their Masters. However, these feelings tend to have died out by the time the Padawan turned 16. And yet, seeing him there on his bed, masturbating and calling my name…. it had to mean something. And it certainly had to mean something when I became aroused from watching it. Was I a late bloomer and still suffering from a teenage crush on my Master? Or was I feeling something a little bit more?

Eventually, the calling subsided and I felt like he had given up. I was relieved- I didn't want to talk about it now. It could wait until the morning when I had time to sort out the confusion in my head. Suddenly, I heard the click of the lock being released and I heard him enter. I didn't move. I simply stared at the sunset, with my hands over my ears, trying to forget that he was there. I did not hear him at all so was startled when I felt his hand on his shoulder.

"Obi-Wan. Please look at me." He whispered.

I didn't want to. I couldn't, not even hearing that voice, that soft gentle but serious voice I had obeyed for so long. I felt him drawing closer and I smelt something familiar. I had shared many showers with him and never before had I smelt that fragrance on him before. It was so familiar but with all the thoughts going around my head, I could not think what it could be. In that moment, I felt claustrophobic and with all the confusion in my head, I just needed to be on my own, away from him. I immediately got up and just ran. He tried to stop me but I just kept running until I was out of our apartment and in the dark and empty corridor. For a second, I had no idea where to go. Who could I turn to? In the end, I decided to walk down the corridor and hopefully something will come to mind.

**Qui-Gon**

Oh no, what did I just do? After Obi-Wan left, I just hung my head in shame. I don't know what shamed me though- the thought of me masturbating over my Padawan, the realisation I got caught or Obi-Wan running away in shock and shame. I don't even know what made me masturbate over him in the first place.

It has all started at his training session. I had been with the Jedi Council at the time so I couldn't accompany him but the Council had less to say than I had thought so afterwards I went to his training session and watched. I didn't want to intrude so I watched from a hidden place. As I watched him train, I felt pride. I chuckled to myself that I once objected to taking this brilliant student to be my Padawan.

And yet on that night, I felt something different. The other students were full of energy and Obi-Wan had to work extra hard to keep up and it were obviously he was becoming hot and sweaty from the extra hard work. Even from my spot, I could see the sweat pour down his face and finding it hard to keep his breath. To see him like that- it turned me on. It seriously did. This did not shock me, especially when I felt an erection. As a Master, I felt a strong connection- it was my duty after all- but I always felt there was something stronger, something deeper, something similar to what I felt for……. Xanatos.

I couldn't be seen like this so I went back to our apartment. As I moved towards my bedroom, I saw a discarded cloak on a chair. I picked it up and immediately knew it was Obi-Wan's cloak. His smell was woven into the cloak. I lifted the cloak to my nostrils and my erection hardened, ready to burst. I took the cloak under my arm and went into my bedroom. I walked to my bed and laid Obi-Wan's cloak on the bed.

I undressed slowly, feeling my erection brush against my trousers as they fell to the floor. I spread the cloak on the bed and laid on it. I wrapped some of the cloak around my chest, inhaling that beautiful and erotic fragrance as my cock pulsed. With one hand on the cloak pressing on my chest, I wrapped my other hand onto my cock and began to stroke it slowly. As I closed my eyes, erotic images enter my mind and I began moving in earnest. I could see him in my mind. Obi-Wan kissing me passionately and then moving down my naked body with his tongue. I could see him sucking and licking my cock. It was so erotic and I could almost feel his tongue licking and sucking. Soon I was pumping my erection and I knew I was going to come.

As my cock ached for release, I opened my eyes and I saw him. He was not in my mind anymore arousing me. He was by my doorway looking at me with shock and shame. I immediately wrapped his cloak around me and moved toward him calling his name but he left. I dropped his cloak and pulled on my trousers and ran to his door. I tried to open it but it was locked. I banged on his door and called out his name. I don't know why I carried on shouting, even when he told me to go away but I did. I guess I wanted him to know I was sorry and that it was a mistake.

Eventually I gave up and left him for a while. I went to the shower and masturbated for my cock was still aching for release. It was not as pleasant as the situation in the bedroom and my orgasm was not good at all. All I felt was shame and sadness that my own Padawan had caught me masturbating over him.

As I recovered from my orgasm, I dressed in my trousers and moved back to Obi-Wan's room. I felt nothing but confusion coming from him. I used the Force to unlock his door and walked in. He had his back towards me with his hands behind his ears. He looked like a baby all curled up in his robes. I sat down at the edge of the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Obi-Wan. Please look at me." I whispered

I shouldn't have said a word really. Almost immediately, he got up and ran out of the room. I ran after him but he was too quick for me. The last I saw of him, he was out of the apartment and probably running out far into the corridor. I decided to let him go. He was in no obvious mood to talk to me- maybe he didn't want to talk to me again, ever. I know I was his Master but maybe he wouldn't be able to see me in that light anymore. It'd be hard to train him if he thought that I only saw him sexually and not as an apprentice.

I sat on the edge of my bed with Obi-Wan's cloak resting a few inches from me and I held my head in shame. This was unusual for me because I have always been considered to be a rebel. Many times I have been told that if I followed the Code strictly, I would have been on the Council many moons ago but to be honest, I felt that sometimes the Code was meant to be broken for reasons that cannot be controlled or explained. I felt that way when Xanatos became my apprentice. Even after what happened with him, I felt this way. However, after Xanatos, I decided not to commit again and I would not make the same mistake with my next apprentice, not that I thought there'd be another apprentice. I was so insecure, thinking that I could never train anyone else again.

That is until Obi-Wan came into my life. Although I was reluctant at first, I still trained him, keeping the bond between us professional. And yet, I found myself breaking my own principles. As the young boy grew into a man, I found myself falling in love with Obi-Wan. He was so different from Xanatos. He was as beautiful but his beauty was far more pure and he had no evil in him. As time grew on, I knew he would not turn to the Dark Side.

As our bond grew, so did my love for him and yet I could not bring myself to tell him. I mean, he was young and how could he fall in love with an old man such as me? And so I kept it all inside. I kept in my aching for you, my need for him and continued to keep a professional yet friendly bond between us.

That is until tonight.

I don't know how long I was there with my hands, deep in my thoughts and shame but I knew it was a long time because the sun set was setting and night time had sunk in. The lights from the traffic shone through my window, bring quick flashes of light into the dark room. I listened carefully for Obi-Wan to come back but he never did. I decided to wait until tomorrow and talk to him about it. Picking up the cloak, I lay down on my bed and wrapped the cloak around me. I found Obi-Wan's fragrance somewhat comforting and I tried to fall asleep.

As I tried, only one thought came to me: _Gods above, I love him_.

**Obi-Wan**

Unaware on where I was going, I got into my speeder and just flew around Coruscant for a while. It was a cool air that night so it helped me clear my head. I had no destination in mind- I just wanted to get away from all the confusion. Why did I feel horny and ashamed at the same time over Qui-Gon masturbating? Was it because he was masturbating over me? Was it because I had seen him do it? I didn't know what to think.

Eventually I ended up outside the main Jedi Temple. It was always quiet at that time of night so I parked my speeder in front of the temple and simply stared ahead of me and thought. I thought back to what I had been thinking back in the gardens. As I remembered that sunset, I remembered that I was searching for the source of the emptiness inside me, the one that had been unfilled by casual. And yet as I thought back to see Qui-Gon calling out my name as he masturbated, something inside me lifted and it wasn't an erection. It was something else, something different, something I had never felt before. It was similar to the crush I felt for Qui-Gon but yet it was deeper, it was almost like……

I put my head on my hands and thought _Oh what have I done?_

I knew what I had done but I asked it to myself anyway. It was the biggest crime of all, more than casual sex with my fellow peers, more than developing crushes on others.

_I have fallen in love with Qui-Gon. _

As I said it in my head over and over again, it made sense. I was ashamed because I had broken such a rule and yet I wondered why I should have been ashamed. It felt right to say that I loved him and be proud of my love for him. But yet could I be proud? Emotional attachment was forbidden. I had boyfriends and girlfriends before but I would not have not called any of them love. I would call them fun. But this- Qui-Gon was so much different. I could imagine spending the rest of my life with him, even after I have been Knighted. It was this kind of commitment, this kind of attachment that was forbidden. I can understand that- how can you possibly train someone who are in love with?

_Could it be that Qui-Gon is in love with you too? _

I had no idea where that question came from but it did. I thought about it and then back to seeing him masturbating. He could have called any name but he called that. That seriously had to mean something. I thought back to when he put his hand on my shoulder and I smelt a fragrance on his hand- a familiar smell that was also difficult to define. It was only when the weather became colder and slightly windy that I found out.

I curled up more into my robes bringing part of the fabric close to my nose that I smelt the fragrance. I realised what it was. It was not Qui-Gon's cloak that he was wrapped up in when I saw him. It had been MY cloak. He had wrapped himself in my cloak whilst calling my name in a moment of ecstasy. It was then it dawned on me. He didn't use me or my name in order to excite himself. It was ME who excited him.

_I excited him as much as he excited me. _

But was it love? I still wasn't sure but now most of the confusion was out of my head. I knew I loved him and I had to know if he loved me too. And if he was, why didn't he tell me? Qui-Gon was a rebel- even if emotional attachment was against the Code, it certainly wasn't like him to stick to the Code.

_Something is wrong. Very wrong. _

There had to be. It wasn't like Qui-Gon to sound so ashamed over something like this. He was always one to speak his mind. It wasn't like him to keep something bottled up inside. I started up my speeder and moved it to his parking space. As I left my speeder and walked down the corridor, I knew I had a purpose and I felt a burst of confidence knowing I was right. However, as I came to our apartment and began to open the door, I suddenly realised.

_What if I am wrong?_

As I stepped into the apartment and moved towards Qui-Gon's room, I knew there was only one way to find out if I was wrong. Maybe I _was_ wrong but I had to know.

**Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan**

Obi-Wan walked in to Qui-Gon's room and immediately Qui-Gon sat up, the cloak wrapped around his chest. Seeing him sit like that made Obi-Wan smile. Still staring at him, Obi-Wan removed his cloak and moved towards Qui-Gon and sat at the edge of the bed. There was a tensed silence for a few minutes with both of them trying to avoid contact. It was when Qui-Gon placed a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder that the younger Jedi looked up and stared into his Master's blue eyes. He could see sorrow and sadness in his Master's eyes. Just staring into his eyes and feeling his hand on his shoulder made Obi-Wan shiver and he could feel goose bumps forming on his skin.

Qui-Gon said, "Obi-Wan, I…. I'm sorry for what happened."

Obi-Wan asked, "What are you sorry for? It's nothing that I have never done."

Qui-Gon smiled weakly "You know what I mean."

Obi-Wan shook his head "No I don't"

Qui-Gon lowered his head. It was then Obi-Wan knew he was right- something was seriously wrong. He could feel Qui-Gon's frustration, confusion and sorrow.

"Master…. look at me." When Qui-Gon did not look up, his Padawn repeated "Look at me…. please."

Qui-Gon raised his head and once again, they looked into each other's eyes. Obi-Wan could see his Master's sadness and confusion in his eyes. As he looked deeper, he probed Qui-Gon;s mind, trying to find the source of his misery. Soon, he found the spot and knew what it was, a name and face that he thought was long forgotten.

With a bitter tone in his voice, Obi-Wan said "Xanatos"

At the sound of his former Padawan's name, Qui-Gon moved his head away from Obi-Wan's gaze and his Padawan knew he was right. He placed a hand on Qui-Gon's shoulder and drew closer to him until his face was almost brushing his Master's beard. Qui-Gon could feel his Padawan's breath on his face and felt his body shiver under Obi-Wan's cloak.

Obi-Wan whispered "He became more then a Padawan, didn't he? You loved him, didn't you?"

After a moment's hestitation, Qui-Gon nodded and replied in a soft and sad voice, "Yes. We were lovers for a long time. I was in love with him and I thought he was in love with me too but then……."

His voice began to choke and Obi-Wan saw a small tear form in the older man's eye. He wrapped his arm around Qui-Gon's shoulder and drew himself closer to him.

Qui-Gon cleared his throat and continued, "It happened just after I killed his father. I didn't want to do it. It had to be done but he hated me after that. He told him that he had been using me all this time, that I was his last resort for sex. I thought he was just saying it as payback but I found out from other Padawans that he had been telling the truth. It broke my heart, Obi-Wan. It really did."

The tears began flowing down his face quickly and he leaned his face into his hands and he sobbed. Obi-Wan had never seen him like this before and it tore a hole in his heart. He held Qui-Gon as tightly as he could, his Master's head resting on his chest as he sobbed. Obi-Wan rocked Qui-Gon as he cried like a mother rocking her baby to sleep. As the tears subsided, the two Jedi were still for a moment.

Eventually, Obi-Wan spoke "What does it have to do with you being ashamed of masturbating whilst thinking of me?"

Qui-Gon looked up, "What makes you think I was thinking of you?"

"It's obvious. You were calling my name, Master." He gazed at his cloak wrapped around Qui-Gon. "And this cloak that you are covered in. It's mine, isn't it?" He took hold of the cloak and smelled its fragrance. Yes, that distinct smell was there. The smell of Obi-Wan. "Yes it is mine." He looked back at Qui-Gon and his voice became stern, "So don't lie to me. How can you lie to me and tell me you wasn't thinking of me whilst you're wrapped in my cloak and masturbating whilst calling my name?"

Without looking at his Padawan, Qui-Gon said "I have to."

Obi-Wan became more agitated, "Why?"

Qui-Gon turned to look at him with watery eyes "Because I didn't…. I didn't."

Obi-Wan cried out impatiently, "Didn't what?"

His master declared "I didn't want you to know that I was in love with you."

Obi-Wan's eyes widened in shock. He knew. He had been right but yet it was still a shock to hear his Master say the words. He drew himself closer to Qui-Gon until their faces were almost touching. For reasons unknown to him, he asked, "What?"

Qui-Gon took a deep breath, "I love you Obi-Wan." His voice was almost dream-like. It was filled with awe and love. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. You are the most…."

He was interrupted because Obi-Wan had launched himself into a kiss. He started kissing Qui-Gon's lips before probing and filling his Master's mouth with his tongue. After a moment, Qui-Gon moaned and began to play with Obi-Wan's tongue. He took his Padawan into his arms and turned him over sp that he was on top of Obi-Wan, ravishing his mouth.

The kiss eventually parted. Obi-wan opened his eyes and saw that he was bow below Qui-Gon and his Master was now smiling at him. He smiled back and began to stroke his Master's face.

Obi-Wan whispered "How long have you felt this way?"

"For as long as I can remember."

"Why couldn't you tell me?"

"Because you're young. You're beautiful. Why should someone like Xan….. like you be in love with an old man like?"

Obi-Wan was in shock. "You said Xanatos."

Qui-Gon blinked his eyes, "No I didn't"

Obi-Wan sat up and said in an accusing tone, "Yes you did. You nearly said Xanatos How dare you compare me to him? How dare you?" He got off the bed and stared out of the window.

Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan and said "I was not comparing you."

Obi-Wan looked back at Qui-Gon. Defiantly, he said, "You were. You think I'm going to be like him." Shaking his head, he turned back to stare out of the window and sighed "You don't have much faith in me, do you?"

Qui-Gon laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "It's not like that all and you know it. It's just….."

Still staring out of the window, Obi-Wan called, feeling tears in his eyes, "It's just….. what?" I'm young. That I am sexually active like Xanatos was? That I am going to play with your heart? Well, I may be as gifted as him when it comes to skills but there's one thing that makes us different from each other."

Qui-Gon looked towards his Padawan "What's that then?"

Obi-Wan turned and stared at his Master. Qui-Gon could see tears falling from his eyes and down his face. To see his Padawan in tears broke his heart but then he saw Obi-Wan smile.

"I love you, Master."

Shocked, Qui-Gon gasped "Say that again."

"I love you, Qui-Gon."

The elder Jedi closed his eyes and soaked in what he has just heard. He had never heard Obi-Wan call his Master by his real name since before he had become Obi-Wan's apprentice. However, to hear him say the words he had desired for so long filled his heart with happiness and confusion. He looked away from his apprentice, unable to believe what he had just heard.

Obi-Wan sighed and continued, "I had been feeling lost for a while. Like all the Padawans around me, I experimental in casual fun and all that but not sex. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just felt something missing. Whilst everyone else was experimenting in free sex, I felt there was more to it.

"It was only until tonight that I saw you calling my name. When I left, I realised there was more to it than you just pleasuring yourself. I saw you and it turned me on and thinking about it made me realise that I loved you and you was the one thing that I was looking for.

"So you see, that's what makes me different from Xanatos. I love you and you have to believe that."

Qui-Gon still looked down at the robe wrapped around him and began to rub it. He wanted to believe what he had heard but there were too many thoughts in his head. An old wound had been opened and it was not the best feeling in the world. He had no idea how much time had passed until he heard his door open. He looked up and saw Obi-Wan leaving the room.

"Obi-Wan, wait….."

Obi-Wan turned to him. "Don't." Qui-Gon could heart a hurt tone in his voice. "Just don't." And with that, he was gone.

**Qui-Gon**

After Obi-Wan left, I did not move at all. On that night, I had told Obi-Wan things that I had not told anyone, not even to my closest acquaintances. I had spent years hiding away what Xanatos had done to me and I had blurted it all out in one night. I could not tell anyone as I am the great and serene Qui-Gon and I could not let my insecurities out.

I had hurt him badly and that was unforgivable. I had shunned him and broken my trust in him and that had broken his heart.

_I have done the same that Xanatos did to me. _

Where did that thought come from? I had no idea but it screamed loudly in my mind. Had I really become as cold-hearted as him? Had I, a Jedi famous for rebellion become so afraid of love? It was not right. It was not like me to be afraid of anything. I always though love as being a natural and pure process.

Was I afraid that Obi-Wan would betray me again? Did I think so little of him? After much thought, I realised that Obi-Wan was nowhere like Xanatos. Obi-Wan were beautiful and he had a pure heart and was dedicated to the Force. Xanatos was reckless and as time went on, he came less trustworthy. I could trust Obi-Wan. I knew I could.

Oh Gods above, what have I done?

As I got up from the bed, I realised what I must tell him. I just hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

**Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan**

When Qui-Gon entered Obi-Wan's room, Obi-Wan did not hear him. He laid on his bed, watching the stars twinkle in the night and with the active night life of Coruscant, the view was beautiful. He had been lying like that ever since he had left his Master's room. He had undressed and put on his sleep pants (it was a cold night but his room was unsurprisingly) and curled up in his duvet.

Obi-Wan suddenly felt a shaky hand on his shoulder and he heard his Master say "I believe you."

Obi-Wan turned around and looked at his Master with tear-filled eyes "Don't say it unless you mean it."

Qui-Gon felt a pain in his heart as he saw his beloved apprentice close to tears and it brought Qui-Gon to tears too. "I mean it, Obi-Wan." He kissed a tear falling down his Padawan's cheek. "I mean it." And then he leaned forward to kiss him on the lips unaware than Qui-Gon fell on top on him, loving conquering his Padawan.

They made love all night until the sun began to rise over Coruscant. Eventually, they lay together with Obi-Wan's head on his Master's chest. For a while, Qui-Gon watched his Padawan sleep peacefully feeling his breath near his nipples. As he stroked Obi-Wan's hair, Qui-Gon began to fall asleep and his final thoughts before sleep were that of peace, love and contentment.

The End


End file.
